Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Victoria Beckham's Diary

10th April 2013

I've tried everything to dull my teeth, I scraped a carrot on them, rubbed an onion on them but all that happened was that David thought we were in France. Yeah we teleported without doing anything...

Punes!

I've been good all day, haven't smiled once, until I walked into the kitchen and David was trying to balance an apple on his head with bonky eyes, not only did this give me 100 calories just from looking at it, it made me smile because i was starving and David was standing so still like a chameleon, but when i smiled the flies came, they swarm my face because my pearly whites are like insectocutor tubes! They're fucking gleaming boys! The flies are so extreme and aggressive that they actually knock me down and others near me.

11th April 2013

How is it that i can talk but the flies don't attack but if i smile I'm molested by incontinent beings?

There's a goat across the way from me, once there's no one looking i plan to squirt it's milk on my teeth, surely that will yellow them?

Beetroot!

12th April 2013

I'm knackered today, i was chasing the goat all night, with David's "help" honestly, he said "Run in the opposite direct and he will chase us" I actually believed him, we ran quite a distance for no fucking reason, man he pisses me off sometimes! I went back anyway and found that the goat had no tits, so i pulled his beard for cheese but nothing happened, such false advertising!

Don't cheese don't come beards? I pulled a down below beard once and a lump came out!! It was tasty as fuck! I could taste it for hours afterwards...

12th April 2013 again

Is it normal for arses to turn green? I know it sounds silly as shit but my arse has turned colour! wtf?! I think I've caught something off the goat's beard. filthy animal!

13th April 2013

Result! one of my teeth fell out this morning!! :B Only problem is that the green from my arse has spread throughout most of my body! I told David to put his sunglasses on for the day, because it's fashionable to wear them inside on Saturday's now. gullible twat! haha. I don't know what's going on though, maybe the goat gave me gangrene?If i turn green all over though I'd all fall out right so I'd just fall back into one person right? i wouldn't die would i? would my head fall off? my tooth fell out! but I've been tapping it for a few weeks but i been tapping my fingers too, shit my fucking hand's gonna fall off init? I will have to tell David, shit shit shit.

Well i told him, he said green is in at the moment. he makes me smile sometimes, he has such a small mind, it's sweet. I love him so.

14th April 2013

I didn't tell him, I've been going a little crazy, the flies actually started talking to me yesterday but would stop when i closed my mouth, they were calling me mother! Those crazy bastards have the wrong person I'm telling you hahaha. Flies come from maggots init? pff. like I'm the mammy!

15th April 2013

A flying maggot was cool as fuck earlier, he morphed into a man and told me everything, why i'm green, why my teeth are so black, he was sooooo cool! he even made me a dress out of silk or whatever he was made of, it's still wet though, he must have just washed it for me. thanks pal!

So what can i do with my life now that i know I'm an alien? hehehehe i could convince people to wear silly clothes so i can send pictures back to my planet! I'm gonna make a dress out of used condoms, it'll be spunky! fuck you earth. you will be my laughing stock, but I'll keep my mouth closed, I'm still not used to those flies.






Saturday, April 6, 2013

Iain Duncan Smith's Diary

Iain here, The IDS fucking A, the A stands for ace! Following my classic April fools prank I am being forced by the Conservative party to take up the challenge of living on £53 a week, i lol'd on Thatcher's sandwich, punched the table and stood up to the challenge because I'm the K to the I to the N G, motherfuckers!

Tuesday 2nd April 2013, Piss Street

Well i moved into the bedsit this morning for my challenge, and to be honest, it's like a fucking holiday being away from the bastard farm yard animals anyway, that cockrell had just one more morning to wake me up i tell you! If i ever catch that cock!! I swear! I'll squeeze it so fucking hard.

So anyway, I've been playing with my calculator, hehe i made the word boobies by writing 5318008!! Made my day that did. I nearly knocked one out right there! Once i calmed down i decided to split my £53 over seven days, bargain, £7.57 budget per day, I can easily go to the shop now and get a weeks shopping for a tenner, I'll live on ham sandwiches and Pot Noodles. Easy. That's what the chavs like anyway init? I could even go crazy and mix them. Sorted bruv.

Right so I went to the shop and bought a loaf of bread (daily bread like Jesus should be delivering i reckon) butter, ham and 7 pot noodles. Only thing was i went over my budget, spent £16.24, fucking rip off! But it's ok, I'll be fine with £36.76...

Wednesday 3rd April 2013, Da King eating King Pot Noodles for breakfast

That's right, A bombay Badboy for brekkie, my Butler would have a seizure if he saw me now, I'm a god damn rebel, I'm just gonna chill for the rest of the day whilst texting my misses, Liz (I miss you hehehehe)! Happy times :D I'm not even putting my pants on, leaving the window open and letting things fly.

Thursday 4th April 2013, Confused as fuck

Everytime i try and text Liz it's failing, what does it mean? i got signal! a man caught me by the window naked making sure i did have signal harhar! :s everytime i try to phone her it's going to India and i can't understand. i took it open and i couldn't see the money slot, aww screw it. Who needs a phone anyway? If i was a real doley, I'd get a job by walking into an establishment where i wanted work and i would demand a job and wait until they grant me one. so I don't think i need a phone anyway.

I'm getting sick of Pot Noodles and Ham sandwiches already, I've been ripping up my ham and bread in the Pot Noodle to making it a bit more interesting, gonna have to go shopping again, kinda bored not getting on the wine and dinner parties so been eating like fuck. i don't think there's much in these Pot Noodles, i got no energy, so screw them, I'm going to the shop in my onsie, they're cool now right? Think I'll get sausage rolls and cheese this time, ohh and a cheap bottle of wine, i can't stick water anymore!

I asked the nice lady in the shop about my phone and she said i needed to top it up, so i got the cheapest £10 credit and the shopping came to a staggering: £19.00 so I'm left with £17.76. Bah it'll be fine, just a few more days to do, I'll have sausage roll and cheese sandwiches if i have to :D BEWSH! Newsgroup!!

Friday 5th April 2013, Tv is making me crazy

Shit me I'm bored, I've only got four bastard channels to select from, what's all that about?! My wine's all gone and i only got £2 credit left in my phone. What's a fool gonna do on a Friday night with just a couple of quid? Bah, i can do this! I CAN DO THUS!!

Hahahaha I've been having heaps of fun flashing my arse at passers by, but I'm a bit scared because a guy saw me and phoned someone whilst running away so i think he's gonna be coming back with more people or he's phoned the police, I'll let you know what happens :s i was only playing! Time to lay down low and watch tv again. Eastenders is on in a minute anyway! :D

Well nothing came of my mooning anyway, so that's grand, tv has pretty much finished for me tonight though so i think I'll go down the shop and get another bottle of wine, i noticed i need to get some shower gel and deodorant though, forgot about that, i smell quite similar to a Llama's behind at the moment, in the nicest possible way anyway.

£9.56 in the shop, £9.56, leaving me with £8.20. I'm just gonna sink this wine now...

Saturday 6th April 2013, Hangover to shit

That wine was so cheap and nasty that even every hair on my body is hurting, i rhelllllyyy need a good old English fry up. Gah. But it'll have to be sausage rolls and cheese for me...

I've only dressed today because it's fucking freezing in here and i was gonna go to the shop again to top up but i haven't got enough money. fuck it, fuck it allllllll.

If i give up now because i got £8.20 left will that mean i passed the challenge? It's just I'm so fucking bored now. I proved that if you're selective with your food you can live off the money etc etc People on the dole don't pay for anything else right? their heating and all that is in yeah? i don't fucking know. it can be done though. see. I got £8.20 left. that's almost two double vodkas and Red Bull that is! S'not bad son!!

I texted my wife and she said i can't finish yet :( I got to finish the challenge like. Fucking shit.

Sunday 7th April 2013, Nuh

The sausage rolls are gone and cheese sandwiches are making me angry, I've been putting the bread between the cheese slices for fun but they still taste horrendous! so shoppio!!

I got 26p change from the shop just tonight and tomorrow to go so got another bottle of wine (i won't learn) ham and a packet of crisps! :D

I threw a slice of bread at a boy passing by earlier and hid under the window sill, he spun around confused for ages and took the slice with him hahahhahahahahaha! I bet he's gonna eat it or test it for aliens :D I just made a child's night boys.

The wine is gone and i can't get more, why is the wine gone!?! I'm going to bed.

Monday 8th April, the last day :D

Feeling great today, I've pretty much completed the challenge, all i need to do now is wake up in the morning, punch the first person i see with 26p in my hand then it's in your face the UK! Come to think of it though, don't people have to pay water, gas, electric, tv license with this money too? nah that's just stupid... I'm crazy because that wine is fucking shit, they must have squeezed the grapes off a hobos arse or something! hahahaha. Eww. i drunk that shit :s feck.

Tuesday 9th April I R Weiner!

I completed the challenge! £53 a week guys, easy. I could do this for a month bachs! Fucka you!!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Zombie Nazi's

How dare they be alive!!!!

Gay as fuck that is!!

I'm walking around with my arms in front of me, like a proper gentleman and pow, fucking living being, fuck off will you? I'm fucking brainnnnnnnnnsssssssss. and it's all ARTTTTTTTTTTTTT. fuck off!

what a loser.

Painted his weiner as a spout and expected praise like?

Mine's fucking blue, naturally, and i fucking like it, ok?!

Why don't you go suck off your mother and fucking go fuck off?! if i was fast enough i'd fucking eat you, and i don't even care. bollocks. who the fuck are you like being? like you can rip my arm off and i won't even bleed!! I'm hard as fuck.

my penis is hard and i have no blood running through me, i fucking win, right?

so fuck off with your mars parties!

SLUTS!!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Jesus is alive but for how long

My fucking life, I have just heard that Jesus H Christ has decided to come back to this bastard hell hole he calls earth...

and why? so he can take pity over our souls and kill us all!!!

WELL FUCK YOU JESUS, YOU FUCKING HIPPY CUNT!!! FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

"Christopher calm down!"

fuck you Aunty fucking Skeletone!!!! your fucking neck bones make me wanna head butt a fucking knife set, so get out of my fucking face!

"Keep swearing and I'll eat your goldfish, alive!"

What? alive like Jesus isit? go for it you whore, fucking take it all, i dare you!!

"Christopher!!!! wise up, what's wrong with you like, i only tried to give you an easter egg you ungra..."

GIVING ME A EASTER EGG IS IT?! SO WHY DID YOU PUT THE CORNER OF THE BOX INTO MY EYE, EH?!!! MY FUCKING EYEBALL HURTS AND YOU'RE TELLING ME ABOUT JESUS BEING FUCKING RESURRECTED AND I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE FUCKING TRANSFORMERS AND YOU JUST ALL FUCKING TALK IN MY FACE!!!!!!! YOU SLUTTTTTTTTT!

"Don't have the easter egg then, screw you!"

I'm FuCkInG dIaBeTiC aNyWaY!!!! ¬

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

A drunk from Mountain Ash has been found only weighing 6 stone soaking wet in a violin case submitted to Smack Generators for, err, smack? Thought to have been in the case for nine months! This bird has technically been reborn into the society!! but is buzzing of stale puke...

The drunk was thought to have been on a lesbian quest to find a blessed dildo (with added light!) so she said, although this is not confirmed, since she is still drunk and has been surviving on a flagon of cider!

Fanny Saxon, 26 from Rheola Street has been a cow farmer for the last five years and doesn't have much contact with the outside world and occasionally moos between words...

Fanny has been released from hospital and given the ok, lets follow her on her day to day quest to make her feel not alone!

Fanny walks back into her home, it's a tip!! completely ignoring us she moved the rubbish and just lies in the bath, without water. WTF Miss Saxon?! No reply. she lies still for ten minutes and decides to move from the bathroom to the kitchen... she starts foraging for food "fuck all yah butt!" "Fuck me she speaks!"

Then out of no where she rages, fucking smashing fuck out of everything, the kettle gets it, washing machine, fridge, dish sponge... "Err, Fanny? shall we just go to the pub...?"

We walk into the pub and she runs at the pool table, something tells me she's never been to a pub before, i order her a packet of crisps and a glass of coke, turn around and she's spinning her head around on a fucking pool cue which is up her nose?!!!

This bird is not real and I'm not fucking playing anymore!!!!!! fuck this!!!!!!!!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I'm Coconuts!

Hullo, my name is Steve Davies and i'ma tell you why i like coconuts so much! :D!!!



My first coconut was ginger and hairy and i stuck my finger in the hole and it was milky :D 8====D** I was so happy and decided to put my winky in it and sex it!! to try and make baby coconuts! it was it a thrilling time, but all it gave me was a sore winky! :'(

With my throbbing cock i decided to chop the fucker and wear it as a bra, it was a hairy bra, i went clubbing wearing it, it was good! i pulled Trevor!! she had a hemostat, but cracking set of m00bz!!!!

I think they call them coconuts because they drive people insane because they're so sexy!!!!!

Once, i fucking, opened, my windows and a fucking coconut fell through the window!!! and smashed my coffee table, i was upset but i realised, it wanted me, it wanted my bum!!!! I named him Gerald, he also didn't give me baby coconuts, why are all my coconuts men?!!! I Googled this and it said:- "Put a lime in a coconut and drink it up" THIS MADE NO SENSE TO ME! WHAT THE FUCK DID IT MEAN? WHY WOULD I PUT A CUNTING LIME IN MY BASTARD COCK COCONUT BOLLOCK?!!!! I FUCKING SMASHED THAT CUNT OVER MY HEAD AND IT FUCKING DEAD, FUCKING LUSH.

ALL I FUCKING WANT IS COCONUT BABIES, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK, YOU BUNCH OF TWATTING SLUTS? I AM NOT AN INFERTILE MOTHERFUCKER, MY CAT HAD FOUR LESBIANS. SO FUCK YOU. POLISH MY SHOES AND HOOVER MY CARPET, AND DUST.MY.FUCKING.ORNAMENTS!!!!!

Thank you, good day <3

Monday, November 8, 2010

Jeff's hour out

Fishing's good, where else can you sit around holding a big rod, drinking cider and looking at tits on your phone without no one bothering you? it's awesome. whenever i catch one, i put it down my pants, if it doesn't fit i know it's a big one and it dries it a bit. have you ever noticed how slimy they first are? that's the only shit part. i touch them and then i turn into a right girl, jumping around and rubbing my hands in the grass and using my Perthcelyn towel, ruins my trousers though!

bloody slimy cunts. why fucking slim over me?! i was only trying to put the useless bastards to good use! I WANTED TO FEED MY FAMILY. but no, fucking slime all over me, make me cry and throw you away, you even got my pants messy!! what's my wife gonna think?! i could throw them but what will she think then? I'm fucked!!! FUCKED!

I got to be home in half hour, but they're still slimy, washing them in the river will be alright won't it? fuck this was a bad idea. I've never been fishing before, i was lying. For fuck sake!

bastard like, I'm getting semi naked by a cunting river like... fuck, shit i heard a dog then. quick quick!! *washy washy* aww they've gone a funny colour now. bollocks!!!!

Slapping them on a stone is making them worst, omg like!! shit i best get my clothes back on and try and look normal in front of that guy. hehe "Hiya, alright or what?" i don't think he noticed. he didn't did he?

fuck my arse is wet. omg the wet is coming through my jeans! and I'm fucking buzzing! she's gonna divorce me!!! after she fucking chins me!

aww aww aww, fuck, shit i got like twenty minutes to walk home, or she's gonna kill me anyway. aww aww aww.

I'll pick her flowers on my way home, no, shit, she'll know I'm guilty. i was only looking at tits whilst fishing!! and they were her tits!! i love my wife like. any other tits would be... nice? but no, not on my phone!!! fuck sake. why can't i just look at a fish and think my god, that's a fucking big one, why do i always have to compare?! i mean, i can't even piss in a pub without doing it, I'm not gay, just a little jealous! very little :(

Hey wait, fuck it, why didn't i think of this? I'm gonna throw myself in the river and say some chavs did it, she'll feel sorry for me then and might make me a sandwich.

YES! :D

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Aberaman Band Club

Place to be tonight boys, Aberaman Band Club, I'm gonna be taking my two basses and a demin jacket with ABC on the back of it.

I need a singer, drummer and guitarist...

We ain't gonna be no one hit wonders like Chesney Hawkes, we'll be on Top of the Pops, BBC1 every Friday at 7 o clock, top fucking ten!

Over 18s only, and no fucking about!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Merthyr Tyd'

You know Merthyr butt? fuck, rough as fuck, like the RAFA init!

Even if you go on the council's website, you are able to see crime going on live!

I was going to go to a rock club of theirs once, but then i found out that it was burnt down hours before, they couldn't handle Mounters anyway. can't believe they were so scared though, such lemons!*

Wilkinson's is cool though, two fucking floors like! and a pound shop called everything's a pound or something, everything really is a pound... 17 toothbrushes, £1. 42 sponges £1. 89 sink plugs £1.

Pretty flowers though. probably. somewhere**

* - I'm lying, it did burn down though ;)

** - Nothing stolen is beautiful.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Scrappage

I likes a good fight i does.

Get pissed right and wait for a skinny smack head, preferably with brown teeth, and offer him some cheap drugs right, take him somewhere private and sucker punch him in the tits as you pretend to look for drugs in your pocket init. when he's on the floor gasping for air, put your finger in his ear and punch him in the other one, then lick your finger and put it in the punched ear and say "you. have. been. wet. willied" he might not hear you, but believe me he will know.

Be nice now right, let him recover.

then punch him in the teeth! fuck yeah, if their brown there's an excellent chance a few might come out, you can get these babies moulded into big arse rings and shit.

this bitch is most likely crying now. pretend you care ok, he'll fall for it again, he has to.

COCK PUNCH!! lololololololol ok that's enough, run like fuck!